Me vs. The Boo

So the other weekend we got a new gas grill, and really its been the first time I have ever had a grill besides the standard charcoal one. Grilling has never been easier. I go out there, push a button and voila, fire. We are using it a lot, but in doing so I am spending more time on my deck, and looking out to my beautiful yard from my deck has suddenly become very very stressful. My once beautiful yard is now being attacked by a hostile invader. Sprouting up in the weirdest places are long stems of Bamboo.

Now, when we purchased this house a year ago my realtor saw that the neighbor had Bamboo on our fence line and said, "oh you need to stay on top of that or it will take over your yard." And pretty much everyone else who ever saw it said the same thing. But through the whole first 9 months of living in this house there was only ever one stray stem that I just cut down and problem solved.  But I guess the spring is when they really grow because now that it is spring there are stray stems everywhere.

So I was grilling every other night and they were just staring at me, taunting me, and it was stressing me out knowing that soon one of my free weekend days would be spent at war with the Boo. Then my wife informs me that we are having company over this weekend for a big barbecue and so I should get the Bamboo up before they came. Okay, it's go time.

First stem I grab hold and yank up lightly to see how strong it was rooted. Pretty strong. I yank harder, felt it starting to come up, so I bear down and yank even harder and like a freaking tremor running away (from the movie tremors) dirt starts shifting in a line leading back to the copse of Bamboo my neighbor has. Now to give you context, I am at a stem that has intruded into almost the middle of my yard, and the dirt line that I know is the root is feeding all the way back to my neighbors patch of Bamboo. FUCK.

I start to realize that each of these stems has a root that grows all the way back to the source. I mean Duh, but you don’t really think about it until yank on one and see a long line start to uproot. Then I scanned the yard again and now saw the freaking spider web of roots that I would be dealing with.  Holy crap this is going to suck.

So I leave that Bamboo stem and follow the root to what I think is the next stem in the line. Get my hands on it, and yank hard, it breaks right off and I fall right on my ass. Literally. It was as if this freakin weed(grass) was sentient and was toying with me. The first stem was all shored up and impossible to yank up, the second one almost gave me its upper stem to save its root. Now those of you who know Bamboo will know what I just found out, the younger ones are not very solid stems, and each section will come apart very easily, but for yanking up roots this sucks.

So then I go back to the first stem and figure I can just keep pulling up from this root. But after a couple of feet of pulling it out of the ground it now refuses to give, and I can't dig up more because it goes straight into a bush. Diabolical! This weed had the foresight to hide its root next to my bush. The Boo was not only alive and sentient in my mind, but now it was smart too. For a quick paranoid second a scorched earth temperament hits me and I almost take fire to my entire yard, but luckily it is fleeting, and methodical me took over.

So at this point it's been like 15 minutes, and I am 2 stems in to what looks like a 50 stem job.  Time to change tactics. Now I am not one to shy away from hard work, ha, no, I had trouble even typing that I always shy away from hard work, but after seeing this I abandoned my need to get the root up and now moved to just get rid of the stems. So I get my old ass hedge shears and start trying to just cut these stems down as close to the ground as possible. After the first few I notice that there is a hole in the center that leads back down to the root. A light goes off in my head, spray some Roundup down the hole, and kill these fuckers at the source. So I go and get the Roundup and spray away.

Now I'm torn. Is it better to chop them with the shears and hit 'em with the Roundup treatment, or to dig up the root? I am not even sure that Roundup will do anything to them. I could google it, my phone is right in my pocket, but I have these gloves on and from all the digging and pulling they are filthy, so I would have to take my gloves off and look it up and with the internet these days I am sure there would not be a definitive answer and then I would have to wriggle my hands back into the damn too small gloves, so I decided against it. Plus, both the shearing and the yanking were both more physical exertion than I really wanted, even with my high tolerance for physical labor, *wink.

Shovel Time!

Once I get my shovel, it starts moving fast, you just point the head at the dirt right in front of a stem, kick down and it severs the roots and up comes the stem. I'm cruising, but then I start getting to these heavy duty thick ass stems, and when I kick down on my shovel it's like its hitting a rock. At this point, you probably can't tell, but I am pretty aggravated. Plus I am wearing sandals making it harder to apply enough force to the shovel, so tapping into my anger at having to deal with this, I turn my shovel into an axe, and start whacking away at these things like I am a professional ball player. Once they're down its back to the Roundup treatment for them. In the back of my mind I start to think that if these Bamboo are all connected wouldn’t using Roundup kill all of them and thus, ruin my neighbors Bamboo fence? One can only hope.

So as you can see my assault was on all fronts: digging up roots, cutting off their limbs and pouring poison acid into their bloodstream, and hacking at them with my shovel-axe. Soon enough they are all up, and I am feeling pretty damn good. I am sore everywhere, and half my yard is dug up, but the beast is dead. Or at least I think it is. Who knows how fast it will grow back? It's like living with a damn Demon right in your back yard. I am hoping it stays down, and I'd like to say it would if it knew what was good for it, but I know nothing about Bamboo, so who knows if I even hurt the Beast? Only time will tell.

Marvel on NetFlix

Is Killing it. So last year I started to hear some hype surrounding the show Daredevil on Netflix. I know what you're thinking:  the same as that movie with Ben Affleck? No thanks. I know, the movie was terrible, I mean, I liked it, but I like every movie. But I mean a superhero is all you really need to get me to watch so I decided to give it a shot, and went through 13 hours of TV in probably 4 days.

I was hooked. It put the movie to shame and even rivaled Nolan's Batman. Not really, but still kind of follows a lot of the same concepts (Dark gritty realism). The fight scenes in the show are top notch, the villain(kingpin) is perfect and is really what makes the show so good, and it is a show that is geared toward adults(Finally!).

Then this year Netflix put out another show: Jessica Jones. After Daredevil was so good I figured marvel had earned megiving their new show a shot. For the first episode I actually convinced my mom and wife to watch with me. I told them it was about a private detective played by Krysten Ritter, and conveniently withheld that she was super strong and that it was done by marvel.

But then that flapping marvel logo came up and spoiled that immediately, and my wife was immediately like " Oh God Dave no one wants to watch this." Yeah, she cut out after about 40 minutes. And I couldn't blame her, it was very slow going and not the best for the first episode. But then the ending scene of the first episode hit and it was amazing. I did not see it coming at all, it was awesome and awful. So I had to keep going. And since the end of the first episode the show never let go. I watched 3 episodes the first night, 5 episodes the next, and then the last 5 the night after that. It was sooo good.

With the way I went through it, and the way my wife hated it, I started to think maybe it was just the way Netflix releases these things. I mean all 13 episodes at once, it sets you up for binge watching. So I started to question my high rating of it. Frankly, I was over thinking it. I got through it in three days because it was that good, and I wanted to watch it more than play any video game or watch any other show.

Of the two I think I ultimately like Jessica Jones better, but that was the most recent one so maybe it's just more relevant as I write this. I'm sure when I watch season 2 of Daredevil that will be binged in a couple of days and I will think that is the best.

I just hope that Marvel keeps it up. Their Netflix model has me hooked, and the content seems far better than any of the fluff movies they seem to be putting out now. Marvel is batting a thousand so far on Netflix.

HEROES REBORN

Heroes Reborn

So Heroes Reborn starts next week, which is a continuation(?) of the 5 year old series Heroes, and I am wondering if you are excited for it?

I for one am not. I remember when the initial series was out it was one of my favorite shows. I thought it was so good. But I think my TV watching has come a long way in the last 5 years. I discovered Breaking Bad, The Good Walking Dead, The Bad Walking Dead, Suits, Game of Thrones, Sons of Anarchy, and all these new shows have kinda upped my quality floor for a show. I try to think back and remember the Heroes Series and mostly I just remember being disappointed by it. 

If we want to dig into specifics of what I remember then I think it is pretty much just the first season. I remember the cheerleader video going viral and her secret agent dad trying to protect her. I remember the psycho clockmaker that could steal your power by slicing your head open and studying your brain. And the counter character to that being the brother that could take others powers just by being close to them. I remember the cop that could read thoughts, and I remember the show making that power pretty cool. Now that I think about it those themes and conflicts sound awesome, and were probably what made it my favorite show. But then I can't remember where it went from there…probably because it was not very good. 

Let's face it without money and special effects you're never going to be able to give me what I want. And what I want is a great story but also interesting and amazing fight scenes. If you've seen X-men: Days of Future Past then you have seen the potential. The first fight scene in that is probably the best mutant fight scene ever made. Super sentinels fighting mutants with cool powers and OMG there needs to be a portal mutant in everything now! Or the scene with Quicksilver! Amazing. Man, maybe instead of watching this show I should just watch Xmenagain.

That is another thing, with a show around people who all have unique abilities you need to be always coming up with new and cool powers, but also powers that can be easily shown to a viewer. I vaguely remember from Heroes a Deaf person with the power to see sound? See sound? Are you kidding me? I think that was some writer trying to be a bit too clever. "Ok so theres a deaf person, but guess what, she sees sound and can control it. Its perfect irony. " But I thought it was stupid. I don’t know looking back at least it was a different kind of power. I thought of a power, probability man: someone that can see the odds on every outcome in any situation. Sounds weird but if you know the probably of all things happening you can really almost tell the future. But it's not perfect right, because when someone can see the future I think that tends to get gimmicky and is really hard to do. Oh I saw this person die but then I told them so now the future is changed and that might not happen and blah blahblah. No if I just said, you have a 33.3% (repeating of course) being successful then you might think of plan B. Or maybe he just is really good a gambling. I don’t know.

Anyway I also vaguely remember some government black ops agency run by some psycho mutant hater hunting down mutants. And if that is the new show then that could be good. I mean that should be any show about mutants. I know it is stealing it from X-men, but I don't see how you could do a mutant show without that being the fundamental conflict. Then you can layer on top of that the specific problems of each individual and their conflicting views and clashes.

Anyway I think Heroes failed to deliver on a lot of the promises of that initial season or the following seasons. I also don't remember the plot line of the Indian doctor at all. He was tracking down mutants for some reason and his dad knew where they would show up due to some algorithm?? That sounds awful. Also, when I hear that famous whine-chime and see the solar eclipse I feel like throwing up, not getting pumped. 

But obviously I am going to watch it and try it out and probably even like it and stick with it for a while. But I am definitely not getting my hopes up for it yet. I really hope they don't expect you to remember details form a show five years old. I'm sure even if they don't, the whole time I will be w/racking my brain trying to figure out who is who and how it is connected, until getting frustrated for not knowing and giving up.

IM A TERRIBLE BLOGGER

So I have decided that I am not a good blogger. I know, I can hear you all(no one) screaming, WHAT?! What are you talking about?! This stuff is gold?! I know I know, but let me go through it, so you know why I'm terrible.

First, I dont really have any insightful thoughts or points to make. My life consists of video games, watching tv/movies, and playing with kids, like a kid. I don't really take anything seriously, and don't really feel passionate about any adult things. So what the hell am I going to write about?

Second, I see both sides of the coin on everything. Now those that know me know I like to argue. And my wife in particular would claim that I choose to disagree with her just to disagree. But really its cause I have no idea which side of an argument I really think is right, I just know that I will argue against your side. It's weird. If my wife and I ever watch something, if she says right afterward, "That was terrible," immediately I am like, "eh, it wasn't so bad."  She says it was amazing, "Nah it was just alright." I am incapable of forming my own opinion without an opposing opinion to argue against. I know, I'm a psycho. Even if I finally do come up with some point to make, I immediately backtrack away from it: Plastic surgery is terrible--well, actually there are probably a lot of people who it really helps; That football player should never get to play again for what he just did--well actually it was in the heat of the moment and what about giving second chances; so on and so on.

Third, I have no confidence. I have actually written several blog posts but simply trashed them because I thought they were terrible. It's weird because I know no one really reads my blog, so why would I care that much? I don't know. It's the same thing with my writing. As soon as I finish a chapter/paragraph/sentence I am immediately critiquing it and thinking it's terrible. So I get all these ideas for the weekly blog post in my head, then immediately think it's not good enough, or that I don't have enough relevant thoughts on that topic to compile an entire post on it. You might think this would lead to only my best work created, but no, it just means no work gets created.

And there it is, three strikes and I am out. Obviously the only time anything gets done writing-wise is when I am drinking. They do call it liquid confidence. So the TLDR of this post is that I am a coward with nothing important to say to I shouldn't be blogging.

Even now I am trying to argue myself out of posting this. Why would you try to convince your audience not to read your blog? Maybe I will just stick to reviewing all the tv shows I consume. But even then I know that I tend to like everything, so I am a terrible critic. I have no sense of movie (inside joke). Anyway I am off to slam my head against the wall trying to write another chapter in my terrible fantasy romp(give up in five minutes an play a new video game).

Everyone has ADD Now

So I don’t know why, but lately when I am flicking through channels, when I see an old classic that I have not ever seen, I am starting to just jump in and give it a try. Recently this has included, the original Mad Max, Mad Max 2: Road Warrior (Yea, I'm pumped to see the new one), Unforgiven, and The Good The Bad and The Ugly. With these movies I am just popping in when I see them on, so usually I miss the first 20-30 minutes but I started noticing a trend: these movies are taking their time.  Scenes linger, they take time to set up the plot. If you watch more recent movies, I feel like they don't this. Everything nowadays is pressed for time, cut mercilessly, and as tight as it can be. And when its not, people(me) get bored. In old movies, they seem to take several scenes introducing characters, establishing motives of said characters, and then put in scenes that show how these motives clash and create the plot.

But now, people are soooo much smarter. Maybe smarter is the wrong way to phrase it but with media now having been around for so long, everything has been done, so viewers immediately grasp the set up and are already miles down the road figuring out the big reveal. Or they have already categorized each character into a known stereotype: the high school thug that bullies cause his family life is bad; the guy with a violent and bad past but is good now; oh shes the carefree slut that always gets murdered first; the crazy/comedic relief wing man that will probably die…the list goes on. Ten years ago, that list was a lot shorter. But every time you see something that puts a spin on one of these tropes it gets registered in our brains so we can call it out the next time.

Anyway I know I am focusing on cinema but it is just as evident in news articles as well.

Look at this blog post, look at those long, daunting blocks of text.

People write these days so there is a lot of white on the page. No more than a 3 lines of text before needing a paragraph break.

See, I bet you read those and skimmed the first two paragraphs.

Hey, even look at workouts, 8 minute abs, no 7 minute abs, 20 minute all-in-one workouts…everything is getting tighter. It's all about maximizing your time and attention.

I feel like everyone now is asking media to constantly get to the point. Maybe it's just me. Is it just me? I mean, I do have a lot on my plate. If you know me you know that is laughable, but I mean I have a lot of hobbies. I watch plenty of TV shows, there is a new video game I want to play almost every other week, writing, streaming…I also have kids and a wife so I don't even get to consider that stuff until they are in bed(Except for Thursdays, Welcome to the Parker Power Hour!!). So when something is slow I start thinking, I could be playing rocket league right now instead (if you have played it then you're always thinking that). Or I really should be writing right now. But with something that grabs your attention and forces you to pay attention because each scene is extremely vital to the plot, you're not thinking about that stuff. Maybe I am wrong about this being something new.

I know when I get my mind right for seeing a movie, or jumping into an hour long show, I know I am pretty forgiving with a slow set up. And maybe since I am just flipping channels when I catch this old stuff I am already at a heightened ADD level, or maybe new media gets to the point a lot faster, and the old stuff is just not holding up in this new era of instant gratification and short attention spans.

On a side note, any of you know any good old movies I should check out the next time they're on? Maybe some that show this blog post is completely wrong. Also, when would the cut-off be? 90's are probably too early. Maybe the 2000's and before? I don’t know, now that I think about it, this is all horseshit. Who cares anyway, no one made it this far, you saw the length and the big blocky text and said, no way, TLDR!!

 

 

Make Your Own Luck

There is a famous line in Rounders where Matt Damon says, "Why do you still call it Luck, I told you it's not luck! Why do you think the same five guys make it to the final table of the World Series of Poker EVERY YEAR? What, are they the luckiest guys in Las Vegas?"

Now I know you think you know where I am going with this: That luck doesn't exist and its all outlook and blah blah blah…nope, completely the opposite. I think Damon had it wrong here. I think Luck does exist and that yes, some people are just really lucky. And then according the laws set forth in the movie Unbreakable, there are people on the other side of the spectrum that are just unlucky.

So where do you fall? I know where I fall; I am one of the unluckiest people on the planet. But I qualify that to only when it pertains to games of chance. Actually when I look at just my life and ignore card games and casinos and drawings and any of that, I would say I am one of the luckiest people on earth. I have a great wife, great kids, a great job, a great family…but screw all that I just want to win at poker!

Also, once poker blew up did we see the same five guys at the final table anymore? Of course not, they are vastly different every year. Because no matter how much skill you can have at the game of poker, it still can always be outdone by luck. Now I know there are tons of books out there on how to beat the odds and how to read people and that its more about the betting than the cards but it still never comes down to 100%, and usually it doesn't even approach 70%.

My mom talks about one of her friends that always seems to have this cloud of negativity around her. And she feels that this is all mostly due to her own mindset and not circumstances.  And not only that, she believes that since she is in that mindset that she brings more of it on. I hope that is not how it works, because I am thoroughly convinced that I am not lucky, so by her logic I will continue to get more and more unlucky, MAN!

I mean, when things tend to fall apart all the time due to forces not under your control; it is easy to get down. It's just more visible at games of chance. Plus, I have gone to the casino as optimistic as a devout Christian in the rapture and still lost every coin flip. Sure a negative mindset can make the unlucky events seem worse, but it still doesn't change the odds. If I am one card from winning and they have a 40% chance to draw to beat me, I guarantee I lose that every time. EVERY TIME!

There is the other theory that we only remember the losses, so your memory points you to thinking your unlucky when the odds are actually quite accurate. I can't really refute that. No one really can without recorded tests. And even then stupid optimists would just say, "Well if they had just made the test longer it would have bared the odds out."

My theory is that it is all about balance. You know, Karma and all that. It's all bullshit, but at least it keeps me happy about it. See, I have such a great life outside of games of chance that whenever chance has, well, a 'chance' to screw me, it jumps on it. So the next time you play cards with me and I win, just know how much harder it was for me to win than it was for your lucky ass. Cause at the heart of this thing is really just the fact that everyone thinks everyone else is luckier than them.

Worst Thing Ever...

Okay, so the other day, I decided to go to the doctor. I knew what I had and I was embarrassed about it, so I procrastinated as long as I could, but finally enough was enough and I decided to go in. I knew I had an anal fissure. Nowadays with the internet, people can pretty much self diagnose, within reason. It's not like I was sure. I was maybe 80% sure. Which is a lot when you think about it. It's not like a sore throat or a headache where there are a million things that that could be. No, for me, when I poop, it is excruciating, and remains excruciating for four or five hours after each poop.

So I went to the doctor because it was so bad I could barely drive without trying to do it standing up. I told this doctor what was up, and he goes "Ok drop your pants and bend over." Then he tries to stick his finger up my ass. I mean, I knew it was coming, but being a first timer I still was not ready for it. So he starts poking and I let out a "oh ho" and so he goes "You need to relax, here, try bending over the patient bed." So I did that and he cops a feel down there. Then comes away and says. "Ok, it's all clean down there and I could not get a stool sample." So then he gives me a baggy and says I need to collect my own stool sample and turn it in to them like fucking homework. Ok, so I go to the Doctor with horrible pain, and he anally probes me, then tells me to give him my poop, and nothing else. Nothing for the pain, nothing to help heal, nothing. It was awful!

So I go away and in my head I am on my own with this thing. So I start doing my internet thing, and come away thinking that fiber is where it is at. So I start taking my fiber pills. Fiber pills all day e'r'day. And it's working. My stools are clean and not too hard. Sometimes though when I would forget fiber pills a day, I would have a giant poop and its back to square one. Sucks. But I go on like this for months. Getting better but then one big one and I am back. So eventually I decide to go back. Back to hell.

I knew what was coming but I went in anyway. I went willingly in to be finger raped in the ass. This time it was much better. Well ok so it was still awful. I went to an urgent care, and the receptionist is like, "ok why are you here?"

 Why am I here? I have horrible butt pain. No, "I have an anal fissure," I say under my breath, hoping that the word anal gets lost in translation. She writes it down and its started. Five minutes later and I am in a waiting room. So apparently as standard procedure a non-doctor person is supposed to come in and take my vitals even before the doctor gets in. So in comes some young paremedic and he asks what seems to be the problem.

"Oh, well I am pretty sure I have an anal fissure. Hes like, Oh whats that? So now I am educating him. "Its a cut on your butt."

"Hmm, so what is that like?"

"Its like every time I poop, I have severe, get it, SEVERE, pain in my anus!"

He writes it all down. All of them with their writing everything down...so intimidating. Anyway, this guy had never even heard of anal fissures. But the doc finally comes in and goes over things. He seems pretty good. I mean, he literally says, "So what seems to be the problem, not like you haven't already told everyone already." So it already puts me at ease. Anyway this doc agrees with my assessment after a little prodding but says that I should see a specialist, and he refers me to one. And that, my friends, is where the real fun begins.

Cut to The appointment with the Specialist.

So they call me back, and tell me to undress from the waist down. As I undress I am shaking cause I am so freakin anxious about this. I know it's go time, I know it's potentially stuff up my butt time.

Finally, after hours(minutes), a nurse comes in and has me assume the position. I have a hard time with it. Lay on your side, with your knees up, like in the fetal position, with your butt slightly off the table. So I do this, and she starts correcting me. She taps the built in pillow and says "put your head here," tells me to lean over more, which made me slide my butt back in so then she grabbed my hips and said "No, butt out!" And Im like whoah whoah whoah, easy there with the grabby hands. Of course I don't say this, but in my mind I do.

So I am in this weird uncomfortable position with my ass hanging off the table, and she says ok, wait just like that until the doctor comes, and the silent wait begins. I can't see her, but I am sticking my naked asshole at her and were are just waiting in silence for someone else to come look at me. Awkwaaaarrrrrd.

"He was right behind me." She finally says and is about to get up when the door opens and the doc has arrived. As with every other doctor situation ever, I have to then re-tell everything I just went through about why I am here. But after my spiel he walks around to the side of the table outside my vision radius.

"Let's see what we have here."

I feel my butt cheeks being fiddled with, some prodding but no poking, then, "Hup", hes in. And once his finger is up there he just lets it sit there lifelessly for a minute. Then says, "So this is my finger."

Ummm, I sure as hell hope it is because if it's something else I am a whole different kind of scarred for life. But I just say, "I figured."

"Well, I am just leaving it up there because I have a tool that is coming next that is a little bigger so we are loosening you up a little bit."

Fantastic. So then here comes the tool, up and in, not so bad except, ya know, it's a long metal tool up my ass. But once it is in he says, "Okay, act like your having a bowel movement." Not gonna happen. If I do that, you will most likely end up with a really dirty tool, hand and table. So instead I just try to clench it in and out, but not out so much. Fools him I  guess. He slowly slides it out. Ok, deep breath. Done Finally. Ok, hopefully that camera will show him the fissure, Ill get some kind of medicine to fix it and be on my way.

Nope, turns out were just getting warmed up. Next, he sends the tool back up, has me do the whole act like your pooping thing, but it's more like do everything you can not to poop. Then it starts burning. Imagine if someone put one of the long fire starters up your ass and pulled the trigger. That's what I imagined because that is what it felt like. Awful. My eyes were wide so he starts counting down from 30 to let me know when it will be down. So my colon is being burned alive and I know that it will not stop for 15....14....13...oh my god how slow is he counting! I think I might rip the table in half with how hard I am squeezing it.

When it's finally over he says, alright good job it's over. Then he leaves and comes back with some paperwork. Ok, so you've just had a hemorrhoid treatment.

WHAT? "I have hemorrhoids?"

"No, but this will just help with the blah blah blah" To be honest I don't really remember why he gave me a hemorrhoid treatment for an anal fissure. But I remember asking and being somewhat ok with the answer. Or maybe I was just so relieved that I did not have hemorrhoids, cause eww.

"Did you see the fissure?"

"No but I knew what was going on down there."

Ok, whatever that means. I'm not very good at pressing people. And so just let it go. He goes over some of the medicine I will be getting and how to administer and what to expect the next few days. Then he leaves, but the nurse stays. She's hanging around, hanging around, ... got alligator blood.

Then the door opens and another nurse comes in. Yea, let's get as many people as we can in here to look at my ass. Turns out, she is there to help Nurse A spread my cheeks so they can shoot up my ass with numbing medicine.

I don't know this at the time of course. Normally I might like a story where i am naked in a room with two women, but not this one. Not when I am in the fetal position shaking and they are prodding at my naked butt like aliens trying to figure out the species.

But they start pulling my cheeks apart and then, she must have stuck me with the first one because it was like someone quick-jabbed a knife in me. "OIIIIIIIIYYYYYY" And that one I actually could not keep just in my head.

"Oh sorry, yeah this will hurt but will make you feel better."

Then it is knife-stab after knife stab, again and again.

Then I hear: "I dont know if this needle is big enough." "Yeah bump it up to the 37"

I try not to cry and succeed cause I am a big scary man. But even with the bigger needle it is still the same, turns out size doesn't matter when it comes to being stuck with a knife(needle).

Eventually she has to take a break and says, "this is why my hands are so unsteady, cause I am holding butt cheeks open all day long."

"Sorry," I mutter. And they laugh, then Nurse B says, "You're probably thinking, stop laughing I'm dying you bitches." And I found out that some people can read minds.

A few more stabs(holy crap how many shots does it take to numb an asshole?), and finally I am done.

FINALLY DONE.

The numbing is working, I can't feel anything. When I try to pee, at the end you normally are able to clench and shoot a little more out, none of that, I can't flex my butt, my lower abdomen, anything down there.

So that was it. Sooo bad. I will never see a doctor again. I think it made it worse having to hold the fetal position the entire time. Just so vulnerable and powerless like a little kid. I went home feeling violated. I've got a follow up in a few weeks but I don't know. Don't really feel like getting voluntarily violated.

Been a While...Moving

I noticed that I have not posted in like a month so I figured I'd drop an explanation. We recently moved into a new home, which is awesome, but also awful! It is especially awful since we bought a house without selling ours first. Actually we bought a house before we were really even ready to sell our house. My wife was all like, its time to move, and to be honest, I thought we would never move, so I laughed it off: "yea sure were gonna move." Then she makes the call to our old realtor and says she wants to start looking and still I'm thinkin: ok, yeah, but were still like a year and a half away from buying. I know my wife and she will not settle. She would wait years for the perfect house. And I knew our price range made it near impossible for her to find such a house so I was golden.

But then lo and behold(its not misspelled, check it!), we find a house. She is like, this is it, we need to make an offer. I have a mini heart attack, but we make the offer, and thanks to our kick ass realtor, we were able to get the house, even though it had tons of offers. The reason: we did not make ours contingent on selling our house. There were actually offers higher than ours, but all of them were contingent on selling their house. So long story short we bought a house way before we were ready to sell ours and so my wife and I  have been busting our asses with the move.

It took us around 2 to 3 weeks to get our old house ready for sale, and finally its out there...which is an enormous relief. So now please, please someone buy the damn thing. Seriuosly though, buy it. Somebody buy that thing. Buy it.....BUY IT!!! I'm losing my mind, why is no one buying it. Two mortgages just looms over me and makes me freak out about everything. No lunches, no video games for the parker power hour, even if they are only 5 bucks. No ordering pizza, no freedom! Oh man, I cant wait until we close our old house, I need to come up with a great celebratory gift or event for when we close on it. Maybe I will do a 24 hour long stream? Maybe I will buy a new computer? No, that's too big, maybe a new game...seems reasonable. I don't know, lets not jinx it by thinking about what I will do if it ever does sell. Cause right now I feel like it never will.

Actually we had one woman that was close, she visited an open house, then came back with her realtor for another look. Exciting right? Nope. She ultimately passed because...wait for it...the yard wasn't flat enough. Ummm, what?! The yard wasn't flat enough? And you didn't see that on your first visit. You gotta get my hopes up just so you can crush them with some crap about an incline.  

Anyway so the old house is finally in tip top shape and on the market, and I am slowly starting to get used to living in this new house. That is another weird thing about moving, the awkward phase of getting used to a new home. Its kind of awful. My wife focused mainly on unpacking and organizing the new house while I focused on the old house, so I don't really know where anything is in this new giant house. That sucks, but also just getting new routines is kind of a shock to the senses. Its so much change all at once. At night when I turn out lights I am running into things. I can't find any kitchen utensils I might need to cook for myself. I still have trouble opening the right drawers in the morning for clothes.

But I am threw with excuses and soon I will(try) to start getting my routine back of failing to write blog posts. Until then, as always you can catch me Thursdays streaming a new game each week @ 8 PM central time.

Also, please lend me prayers, thoughts, chants, dancing rituals, anything to help some other presence sell the freakin' old house!!

REVIEW: JURASSIC WORLD

Rating: 5/5 stars

Yes, I actually saw a movie opening weekend. I know, ridiculous. My mother is in town to help us move and so she took the 2 year old while we took my daughters to Jurassic world. We have done a good job of making our girls thrill seekers so they were pretty pumped.

So as you can clearly see by the rating above I loved it. And I did. I am very, veeeeeery biased though. I never see movies in theaters. And by never I mean once every 3-5 months. Anyway the girls were excited, I was excited, and the movie delivered.

Now don't get it confused, were not going for an Oscar here. This is a summer blockbuster. No plot. Great special effects. I saw it in 3D, which I usually hate but actually it made it better this time. I don't know if it was because the movie did it well, or if it was simply since it had been so long since I had seen a 3D movie. Anyway I thought all of it was great and just worked.

My family's take: So slow in the beginning. My take, awesome in the beginning. So I will try to be as spoiler free as possible, or at least call out the spoilers before well, spoiling them. But what did they expect, the shit to hit the fan in the first five minutes?  I mean, yes, the beginning is all an introduction to the characters that we are supposed to care about, and also an introduction to the world where there is a Dinosaur theme park. (side note: is it bad that I want to phonetically spell dinosaur like Dr. DNA says it: Dine-a-Sawr)

I thought the intro was awesome. Getting to know key characters, getting a VIP tour of an incredible theme park, a cool albeit clichéd look at the wizard behind the curtain of the theme park. Not to mention the way they set up Chris Pratt's character was amazing. I mean he is a navy vet, which, nowadays I think Hollywood has figured out that if you slap VET on a character, either army, military, or navy, your going to get the audience rooting for the guy. Anyway back to the slow beginning. I liked it. I was excited for the movie, so I was in a good mood. I snuck in some captain to add to the giant diet soda I purchased for a small fortune, so I appreciated the down time to get appropriately sauced.

Anyway, if you stop and actually think about the realism of the movie, you will quickly see how stupid the whole thing is, and even stupider(ITS A WORD!) is how the people act in the same stupid old tropes that you think they would have learned from. Anyway if one were to be critical and unable to have fun and put on an obvlivious hat and just enjoy the ride they might say this...Now the spoilers---------

SPOILERS-----

I mean come on, scientists paid by some military guy to make some weaponized Dino. Lets send men in five seconds after you cant pick up the Dinos thermo signature in its cell? I knew immediately it was still in its cell.

Oh we cant tell you what kind of Dinosaur it is. Because obviously it has some smart ass raptor is in there....MAN!

Oh I am sure they never cleaned out the old Jurassic park banner or cars or anything, yea lets just leave it there for 20 years.

Yeah, they would let visitors raft down a river with a stegasourus....who even though is an herbivore if is was simply annoying it might just slap a 400 pound spiked mace at your head. I looked it up, that is how much their tail weighs. (I DEFINITELY did not look that up, in fact, I completely made that up, but also, I am sure they would swing with much more pounds per pressure than that.)

Yeah I am sure bullet proof glass hamster balls would completely make them confortable letting people drive themselves around these enormous monsters. Indominous rex had no trouble shattering that glass.

Yeah, no way would they have a panic room in case something went wrong, LIKE IT DID BEFORE, so people could be safe from all of it. I mean, am I a genious, or would a Dinsaur park have safety measures that involved a giant steel bunker that would fit the maximum size of all visitors and staff and have food and water for weeks. Yeah I know, zoos don't dot hat but come on....

SPOILERS OVER---------

So, I did not think of any of that crap until now, because when I was  watching the movie, I was simply a spectator to a great time. And I'm just gonna say, the ending was amazing, as far as summer blockbusters go.

So to sum up...Great Time, Great Ride, Great Zoo, Great movie. Also, I think that maybe if I saw this in my own home on a 50 inch LED or plasma or whatever that I would probably have had of those pesky nitpicking thoughts, and it might have ruined the movie. But seeing as how I hadn't been to the theaters in forever, I was in a really good mood for a movie, and I was drinking, this movie is a 5/5.

Why I Stream...

So I imagine a lot of my friends would come to this website and be like, WTF? Bone has a website about video games what a weirdo. Yes I am a weirdo. Throughout my life, and especially in high school and college, I was very anti-social and socially awkward. So it is very strange to all of the sudden be putting my awkward self on the internet. But there is a reason why I set up this website and actually dedicate one night of my life to playing video games on the line for the world to see. But first, lets set that up.

Have you ever been to see a movie in a theater by yourself? I actually have, but just once. One time I even went to dinner by myself at a sit down restaurant(olive garden). At the time I was married and my wife was flabbergasted.

"So you just got a table and sat by yourself? What did you do the whole time? That's so weird."

Here's the thing. I thought it was weird at the time as well. But then, I started thinking. What if I did not get married right out of college? What if I was single? If that was the case I guarantee you I would see movies by myself all the time. I would even eat at restaurants by myself. But now I know better than to get a table. No, you gotta sit at the restaurant bar and order food there. Bartenders are good at making you feel comfortable for having no one but yourself to eat with. Oh crap, I just realized that I lied about seeing a movie by myself just once. Another time when my wife had the kids out of town and I was real hungover I decided to go to the five star lounge(recliners and waiters) and see a movie by myself. And guess what, it was pretty awesome. Clearly made better by the fact that it was kid free....trust me once you squirt out a few you will realize how much things get better when they are kid free, since, you know, you are only kid free once a year. Anyway back to the seeing a movie by myself, it was awesome...

Except the end of the movie. Since I was by myself, at the end of the movie there was no one to share it with. "Oh man, can you believe that part," or "I don't think the so and so scene was needed" or "I don't know why but that movie was awesome." Without the shared experience, the two hour movie was just that, and nothing more.

And that is exactly why I started to stream video games. Growing up, my friends played video games with me, so it was a shared experience. Even through college I always had someone to share a video game experience with. I will never forget playing The Thing for PS2 with my college roommate. It was such a terrible game but going through that journey with him made it one of the best games I have ever played. And that is it.

See, all my friends are not really gamers. They have moved on with their lives, probably for the better. But I am still obsessed with games. I love them. But they are never as good as when sharing them with a friend. So I stream to make friends and share experiences. And also because it gives me an excuse to dedicate one night to playing video games, even if I don't get any viewers, hey, at least I tried. And its fun. Its soo much fun.

And that's what its all about. Being happy. Thursday nights, because of my incredible wife and understanding children, I get to play video games for an hour, and its awesome. No matter how socially awkward, no matter how big a fool I make of myself, I am having fun and enjoying it, so I win.

My Top RPGs

So I thought since I love video games so much and have always had a sweet spot for RPGs, I would try to put down my favorite RPG's in order. These are games that if I ever got an audience on my twitch channel I would play again in a heartbeat.

1. Final Fantasy 7

This is the game that got me obsessed with this genre. All around amazing game. The materia system is by far my favorite RPG magic system ever. And because of the materia system I really am disappointed with everything else. I used to think Crono trigger was my favorite all time, but I recently re-played this game(5-8 years ago) and it reminded me that it sits atop the throne for RPGs. For Nostalgia purposes this is always high, but I recently replayed it and through doing so realized it for the masterpiece that it was...number one, no question.

2. Chrono Trigger

This was a movie that I rented from blockbuster and then had to make sure I re-rented it each week. I remember one week my mom returned it and then it was gone when I went to try and get it. When it finally returned to the store and I rented it again, my save was gone, but a save with a game much further than mine (why am I in a floating city?) was in its place so I still had fun. This game's story and music are sooooo good. Its characters are all perfect(except maybe the princess). Oh and the middle of the game boss is a warlock who you think is responsible for everything, and when you beat him you find out its not his fault and he joins your party...amazing. It also feature new game plus and about 25 different endings. I love this game so much, just writing this makes me want to stop this post and go play this game.

And that's it. Just 2. No I'm kidding, but these two games are really so far above and beyond the rest. Also you should note that I am not including strategy RPGs. But if I was then Final Fantasy Tactics and XCOM(Enemy unkown/Enemy within) would be tied for first. I just think it is hard to compare the strategy RPGs to regular ones because of how different they are. But if you like strategy Tactics and XCOM are amazing games and have much more replay value than regular RPGs.

3. Breath of Fire 3 

This game is definitely on my list to replay. The sprites and art in this game I think are phenomenal for its time, and hold up much better than Final Fantasy 7's. The story is really good and you can turn into a Dragon in the middle of combat. This is another game where I loved the characters but it also does a lot with the environment and stuff outside of combat that make it a really great RPG. The combat in the game is mediocre but everything else is great. There are mentors you pick, a great fishing mini-game. A plethora of genes to find to allow you to play mad scientist making dragons for yourself, and did I mention you can turn into a Dragon. Very very underrated game, obviously I think so as I am making it my top 3. 

4. Xenogears 

This was a game I got because it was part of the buy anything squaresoft puts out, and boy was I glad I played through this one. It has giant mechs, a complicated story that I loved, great combo driven combat, and a slew of great characters and mini-games. Now in all honesty it has been a very very long time since I played this, maybe 10 or 12 years, so maybe this is just for nostalgia.

5. Persona 4 Golden 

Yes I know it isn't very accessible being a PS Vita exclusive, but this game is amazing. Mostly all story and in truth, the dungeons are pretty stupid. The personas get a little old as well but all are so unique(look wise) and fun to explore so it keeps it interesting. The story is so much fun that it keeps you going. And for some reason the very strict usage of your time is a mechanic that makes your choices seem to matter. Now full disclosure I am currently 80 hours in and have not beat it yet. I don't know if I ever will. But I loved the ride and am sooo looking forward to Persona 5 on PS4. I think I would already be finished if this game was not on Vita, but also I doubt I would be very fall at all if I did not have it on vita. This is an RPG that is 70% story and 30% game in my eyes. It is wayyyy too long for me but I am a guy with 3 kids and a full time job so I don't have the time I used to for these kinds of RPG's.

And that is my top 5....Man that was actually a lot harder than I thought. I don't think the top 3 will ever change but 4 and 5 could very easily get shuffled around with new and other titles. For instance currently I am playing The Witcher 3, which so far has been phenomenal story-wise.

The Close but no Cigar list(6-10): Wild Arms, Final Fantasy 9, Suikoden, Final Fantasy 10, Breath of Fire 4

Why I'm Fat

So all throughout childhood and through College I was a fit and thin person. But ever since graduating that has changed, and I am going to try to blame everything else except myself for that right now.

First of all I am married so lets face it, where's my motivation. My wife is stuck with me and if she divorces me for being fat then she burns in hell for that...yeah didn't see that one coming. That is one thing I don't understand about the divorce rate. Most people get married in a catholic church, so sorry to say it but divorce means burning in hell. Now I am joking and being sarcastic so relax. Anyway I was thin as a kid because I was very active and played sports. In college I was thin because I only had like 4 hours of class a day and was motivated to stay thin to attract women. Now I am married, have no time, and no need to attract women.

Not only that, but eating healthy is harder in every way. The food is more expensive, it doesn't taste as good, it takes longer to prepare, it doesn't taste as good, and unhealthy food is DELICIOUS.

Now whats funny is I still struggle with myself about getting in shape all the time. Every weekend I binge eat terrible food so badly that eveyr Monday I am like, ok new week, this is it, I am going to eat healthy. That usually lasts until Tuesday...sometimes Monday night depending on what my wife wants for dinner. Hey can you pick up McDonald's on your way home? Umm, sure. Theres never a no to that. And it is so much easier.

Anyway maybe after writing this and noticing all the reasons why I am fat I can now see my problems and become fit again. Yeah, you know what, I will. I am going to start a real strict diet.....tomorrow. Tonight its IMOS and an large pepporoni pizza for me. Oh no then tomorrow is game of thrones so I will need a good meal for that...Monday, I will start on Monday.

REVIEW: FOCUS

Worth Seeing: Yes

Stars(out of 5): 2.5

So yeah I think a 5 star rating system is the best so I think going forward I will stick with that.

The Gist:

This movie was an ok con artist movie but frankly, with Will Smith I expected more. It was fun but ultimately nothing new here and so very average.

The Full Review(Spoilers):

So I recently watched Focus. A con artist movie about will smith who is the lead and a very cool con artist. This movie was actually not bad if you like that sort of thing. They set up some cool cons, but most were pretty boring and just the same, distraction for pickpockets.

Outside of those there were very many good things going for this movie. Will Smith is one of them. The big cons were another. These were really good and even had me going.

Spoiler alert--

Especially the gambling one. The movie brilliantly sets up Will Smiths character as having a gambling problem but then he turns that into a con and totally had me fooled and turned around a horrible part into a great one.

The big con in the end was pretty much up as soon as he was shot I knew it was the Tijuana thing he mentioned at the beginning of the movie.

Another thing going for it was the girl. The girl in this movie played it well. And going in I obviously was thinking ok he's teaching her so she is part of a con on him but he knows and will turn it around in the end. This was not the case at all as she was an amateur and truly stayed that way. Comically so(you're better than watches!).

Spoilers over --

Another good thing was Will Smiths fat friend. He was great comic relief and actually refreshing because he was just a funny guy and it didn't seem like scripted comic relief. Which was a plus.

Wow after writing this review I think I should change my score. But really though this movie does a lot right, but I always felt it just wasn't enough and it stayed so average the whole time. Anyway let me know what you think. Maybe I just wasn't in the right mind frame to see a movie when I watched it. I think its worth a view but not something that will become re-watchable.

Try this...

So I was watching Seinfeld tonight, and it was the episode where the woman he is dating refuses to try the apple pie, shaking her head but not giving a reason. Now, in the episode, she is branded a psycho by an old lady, but for me, I am somewhat on her side.

My wife is always asking me to try her stuff and when I refuse, its like she is personally offended. Now if she made the said thing I was to try, then I understand the offense, but usually it is something she had no part in making. Also, just as in the episode, when I refuse to try something, I rarely have a good reason. I mean, I am a large man and so never full, so I can't really use that. If I say it looks gross she scoffs at me and says but it tastes great just try it.

I don't know why, but being forced to try food is just so unappealing to me that I think it is probably considered torture in some parts of the world. And if I refuse to try something, and my wife forces it upon me lest she be mad all night, I never like it.

Now honestly, once I refuse to try something and someone insists, they have lost, because even if I like it I will act like I loathe it in that moment. But I have also found that when my wife asks me to try something and I pass and she doesn't persist, I end up waiting a few moments then wanting to try it anyway...maybe I am a psycho.

But also, why do people get so offended when you don't like the food they like?

Length of Games

The Order 1886 came out today, but even before it came out full game playthroughs were leaked on youtube and this lead to a lot of complaints about the length of the game being around 5 hours.

For me, at this stage in my life, it was actually a relief when I heard. Since I started the parker power hour, each Thursday I am starting new games and every time I do, I want to finish them. But this just wont happen. Most games are long, even 20 hours is a real grind for me. I have a lot on my plate(I know boo hoo there's too many video games to play). So I am now really looking forward to this 5-hour, story-driven, triple A game.

But the question is now, should it be 60 bucks? My gut instinct is to say yes. That game length should not be correlated to game price. If you give me a high quality game I don't care how long it is. But this argument begins to fall apart when you get lower than 5 hours. What if a 60 dollar game was 1 hour, with no online aspect. Just an hour, and your done. I would think people would have trouble buying it. So there is some merit to how long a game should be.

What's funny is that I remember games always being at the 60 price range, and that some of the old games were really short. Like starfox was maybe an hour or less. But when I was younger I could replay the same game over and over no matter how many times I beat it. Nowadays once I beat a game I am done and happy to have it checked off my list.

I hate to say it but maybe I am turning into Danny Glover (I'm too old for this shit).

Nintendo limiting streamers

So recently in the news, it has come out that Nintendo is going to start taking control all of its products' streams. Now when I say taking control its really not as bad as that, it is more requiring streamers to verify their content with Nintendo and then sharing profits gained from those streams with Nintendo.

This has led to a large uproar from streamers and gamers everywhere. For me, I don't really care. I mean, I make no money from streaming and have not done any Nintendo yet. But this could have huge impacts for streamers that actually have a large viewer base and do stream as their job. And it is not so much the sharing of money in my eyes as the verification process. If they start banning streams for trying out a Nintendo game and not liking it, well that is kind of poor of them, but also seems completely in their rights. However, I cant help but think that going this route will only lock Nintendo out of another great marketing tool.

If think about the future of video games, how do you see any buzz generating around them. Magazines are done, brick and mortar stores are going bankrupt, and reviews on the internet are more and more switching from text to video. Sure this probably will have little affect on their main titles like Mario and Zelda, but if they want a new IP to be accepted and raved about by the community they will not be able to, so will be stuck re-iterating the same games. Now obviously that is probably giving too much credit to the marketing power of the streaming community, but I do think that some dip in sales would be seen if no one is streaming their games just because it is too much of a hassle.

But even so, what is really concerning is the example this might set for other gaming companies. Think about if this was the standard and all streams of games were like streams of movies or tv, where permission must be granted anytime you want to stream anything. That would be awful.

Or would it? Ultimately yes, it would suck, but it would suck just as much for those companies to try and monitor or regulate this. I would think to be able to monitor every stream that plays your content and shut them down or collect revenue from those who do would be a nightmare.

Ultimately, I think developers are aware of this and view the streaming community as free publicity, and so are in favor of it. I mean has anyone been shut down by Nintendo yet? I doubt it, but have no idea.

To Binge Watch or Watch Immediately, that is the question

So pretty much as the title states. With the return of the walking dead I find that I always have to watch that show as soon as it comes on. However with other shows I don't mind letting them build up so I can watch a lot at once. I think if you have to watch a show immediately its because it is just a better show. Where binge watching is more I-have-a-bunch-of-time-and-need-something-to-do. With a show you need to watch immediately when it comes on, you make time to see it.

I'm not sold on this though because binge-watching also makes it more of an event when you watch. It is more planned and prepared and glorious. We binge-watched most of breaking bad, but then once we caught up, it became a show we watched immediately. I don't know, the experience of binge watching also seems to sometimes make bad shows seem better than they are.

So what do you do and which do you prefer?

Fantasy vs Main Stream Reading

So I just finished the Martian. A really fantastic novel. Now if you are the rest of my family, you have already written it off because, A: I suggested it, and B: The title is a reference to Aliens. You see, usually the novels I read are either sword and sorcery, sci-fi, or supernatural related. And since they are incapable of suspending their disbelief for any of that, they tend to throw out my suggestions, as would most people I would guess. But for the Martian, while it is Sci-fi, it really see it as main-stream novel. It is a man vs nature novel just set on mars. No aliens, just a guy that gets stuck on mars. It was very well written, and I think almost anyone would enjoy it.

Anyway to the point of this post. I finished the Martian today, and decided to go back to Fantasy and to finally start the Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson. So I am starting that novel and I realize immediately I was not prepared to start a new fantasy novel. Fantasy novels, especially high fantasy, take a certain mindset to tackle. You have to go in knowing that you are entering a world different from yours, with different rules, different names, different magics, different everything. This is very jarring at first because it takes actual mental focus. You have to expand your vocabulary to words you know will never be used in real life. It is a lot to take in, especially in the beginning.

In main stream novels they usually keep a fast pace of writing, the rules are clear because they are in our real world usually, and they are very easy to just pick up and immediately get into. Just as the Martian was for me.

But when I tried to start Mistborn I remembered that starting a fantasy novel can be daunting. As in the first thirty pages already I am introduced to a new race of people called skraa or something and the world has raining ash and bla bla bla...I just wasn't ready. I was still reeling from the ending of the Martian and so my mind was still pre-occupied with that.

So you might be saying, that is why I stay away from fantasy novels. But I don't because for me, once I invest in getting to know the world, it is almost always worth it. And the payoff's seem a lot better for me, but I can see how that is very preferential.

I have a friend who swears he loves fantasy but the only real fantasy book he loves is The Lord of the Rings, which I tell him is just a dreadful book. Anyway I try to get him to read fantasy and he can never get past the first 20 pages. I believe the above post is why. His love of Lord of the Rings is just really him getting nostalgic because he read it in high school. But also, re-reading a fantasy novel eliminates all the mental focus of having to learn all the new rules and things of that fantasy world, so it shifts more to mainstream at that point.

Anyway so yeah, that's my take on fantasy. Since its my take its more than likely wrong.

Review: American Sniper

Worth Seeing: Yes

The Gist:

A really good tension filled movie that kept me guessing. I did not like the ending but I will cover spoilers below.

Review with Spoilers:

So really I just want to talk about the ending, so if you haven't seen it look away. So at the end of the movie he gets out alive. And the way they set it up makes it really surprising that he does because every preview and everything made it seem like he was going to die over there. Plus during the movie my wife turns to me and says,

"So do you know what happens to him in real life?"

Ummm no and don't you dare tell me. Even her saying that made me think he died. But no he makes it out of Iraq. The movie then shows him adjusting to family life and all. But then it goes on to show his death, which as the movie makes it seem is just after he gets back he was killed by another war veteran who was crazy. Now, I understand that is what happened in real life, but why not stop the movie before that. I mean, did it have to cover his entire life? To be honest it was kind of his biography, it did have his childhood and everything. But I don't know, just seemed kind of stupid. And to be honest this is why I was a little bummed when I found out it was a true story. True stories aren't as good as made up ones for me. True stories are messy, they don't all fit together, there is no rhyme or reason why things happen, because, well, that's life. And American Sniper was a great movie up until we find out how his life ended. Maybe it soured me just because death can be so random and stupid but I don't know I felt like it could have been better if they had just ended it after he got back.

On a side note I am realizing that I like happy endings. So I think you may want to throw out this review. I just finished the Martian and before it ended I knew that if he did not make it I would not like it as much. I'll have to get over that.

On a counter side note, I love unhappy endings in my fantasy novels. I loved when Ned stark died in Lord of the Rings, or when Bran was pushed off the tower. It made every character not safe and rose the tension.

Laptop....Broken

So a horrible horrible thing happened. My laptop screen cracked. For those of you who don't know(how could you not), I got a brand new Lenovo Yoga 2 pro for Christmas from my Mom. Greatest mom ever obviously. But on a side note, I was in the market for a laptop that could do these specific things:

-Double as a tablet

-Play Starcraft 2

-Great for Writing(backlit keyboard, good feel to the keys, etc)

And that's it. Those are my requirements. And you know what, these requirements actually narrowed it down quit a bit. I originally bought an Asus 15.6 inch flip on amazon. But when I got it I realized it was too big, and the screen had horrible viewing angles. So I returned it and then went to Best Buy so that I could actually see the product before I purchase and had my sights set on a 600 dollar Lenovo yoga 2. When my mom came to town she said she would help me with my laptop, so I decided to go for a much higher end one, and spent around 1200 dollars. Well I didn't spend, she did. That was two months ago. Now its cracked to shit. I tried to take it to a local store to fix, and they said they would have to order the part and if the screen is glued then it would be a tricky fix, and that it would be better to go with Lenovo. So I send to Lenovo. I called them and said that the screen cracked from normal use.

I lied. What happened was my girls were roughhousing in our bed, one fell off and bumped my laptop. It actually happened right before my show, check out the swapper episode, I think that episode ended up being one of my better ones, so maybe I will have them break my most valuable possession before every show. Does any other parent out there have trouble restraining themselves when your disrespectful children break something "on accident?" I mean, yes, I realize it was an accident that you fell off the bed onto my laptop with all your weight after mommy specifically asked you to stop wrestling in the bed twice, TWICE! But sure, its not like you meant to break my soul. So I wont beat the ever-livin shit out of you. Plus I cant because your a kid and its child abuse and bla bla bla. Honestly if I didn't have to do a show right then and there I probably would have cursed and yelled and lectured for a long while. As is I had to put on a happy face, and it actually worked, I got over it and realized its just money. What's funny is without me getting mad the girls cried cause they realized how grave the circumstances were to break the new tech device I just got and use constantly. That is probably pretty sad on my part but hey, no one is perfect. 

Anyone so I tell Lenovo it was cracked on normal use, but this is still not covered by their basic warranty, so I am out almost 500 bucks for this fiasco. And i don't have my laptop for a month. Also, its the worst month for this as Heroes of the Storm just came out and I am extremely addicted.

Well, rant over. I feel better, but wont tomorrow when I will want to play Heroes while watching the super bowl but will be unable to because my laptop is in Texas for repairs. Also, Patriots will win, that is my pick, but who gives a shit cause this is the worst two teams to make it to the super bowl ever. Boycott! 

Rant over....sorry for a rant post.