Okay, so the other day, I decided to go to the doctor. I knew what I had and I was embarrassed about it, so I procrastinated as long as I could, but finally enough was enough and I decided to go in. I knew I had an anal fissure. Nowadays with the internet, people can pretty much self diagnose, within reason. It's not like I was sure. I was maybe 80% sure. Which is a lot when you think about it. It's not like a sore throat or a headache where there are a million things that that could be. No, for me, when I poop, it is excruciating, and remains excruciating for four or five hours after each poop.
So I went to the doctor because it was so bad I could barely drive without trying to do it standing up. I told this doctor what was up, and he goes "Ok drop your pants and bend over." Then he tries to stick his finger up my ass. I mean, I knew it was coming, but being a first timer I still was not ready for it. So he starts poking and I let out a "oh ho" and so he goes "You need to relax, here, try bending over the patient bed." So I did that and he cops a feel down there. Then comes away and says. "Ok, it's all clean down there and I could not get a stool sample." So then he gives me a baggy and says I need to collect my own stool sample and turn it in to them like fucking homework. Ok, so I go to the Doctor with horrible pain, and he anally probes me, then tells me to give him my poop, and nothing else. Nothing for the pain, nothing to help heal, nothing. It was awful!
So I go away and in my head I am on my own with this thing. So I start doing my internet thing, and come away thinking that fiber is where it is at. So I start taking my fiber pills. Fiber pills all day e'r'day. And it's working. My stools are clean and not too hard. Sometimes though when I would forget fiber pills a day, I would have a giant poop and its back to square one. Sucks. But I go on like this for months. Getting better but then one big one and I am back. So eventually I decide to go back. Back to hell.
I knew what was coming but I went in anyway. I went willingly in to be finger raped in the ass. This time it was much better. Well ok so it was still awful. I went to an urgent care, and the receptionist is like, "ok why are you here?"
Why am I here? I have horrible butt pain. No, "I have an anal fissure," I say under my breath, hoping that the word anal gets lost in translation. She writes it down and its started. Five minutes later and I am in a waiting room. So apparently as standard procedure a non-doctor person is supposed to come in and take my vitals even before the doctor gets in. So in comes some young paremedic and he asks what seems to be the problem.
"Oh, well I am pretty sure I have an anal fissure. Hes like, Oh whats that? So now I am educating him. "Its a cut on your butt."
"Hmm, so what is that like?"
"Its like every time I poop, I have severe, get it, SEVERE, pain in my anus!"
He writes it all down. All of them with their writing everything down...so intimidating. Anyway, this guy had never even heard of anal fissures. But the doc finally comes in and goes over things. He seems pretty good. I mean, he literally says, "So what seems to be the problem, not like you haven't already told everyone already." So it already puts me at ease. Anyway this doc agrees with my assessment after a little prodding but says that I should see a specialist, and he refers me to one. And that, my friends, is where the real fun begins.
Cut to The appointment with the Specialist.
So they call me back, and tell me to undress from the waist down. As I undress I am shaking cause I am so freakin anxious about this. I know it's go time, I know it's potentially stuff up my butt time.
Finally, after hours(minutes), a nurse comes in and has me assume the position. I have a hard time with it. Lay on your side, with your knees up, like in the fetal position, with your butt slightly off the table. So I do this, and she starts correcting me. She taps the built in pillow and says "put your head here," tells me to lean over more, which made me slide my butt back in so then she grabbed my hips and said "No, butt out!" And Im like whoah whoah whoah, easy there with the grabby hands. Of course I don't say this, but in my mind I do.
So I am in this weird uncomfortable position with my ass hanging off the table, and she says ok, wait just like that until the doctor comes, and the silent wait begins. I can't see her, but I am sticking my naked asshole at her and were are just waiting in silence for someone else to come look at me. Awkwaaaarrrrrd.
"He was right behind me." She finally says and is about to get up when the door opens and the doc has arrived. As with every other doctor situation ever, I have to then re-tell everything I just went through about why I am here. But after my spiel he walks around to the side of the table outside my vision radius.
"Let's see what we have here."
I feel my butt cheeks being fiddled with, some prodding but no poking, then, "Hup", hes in. And once his finger is up there he just lets it sit there lifelessly for a minute. Then says, "So this is my finger."
Ummm, I sure as hell hope it is because if it's something else I am a whole different kind of scarred for life. But I just say, "I figured."
"Well, I am just leaving it up there because I have a tool that is coming next that is a little bigger so we are loosening you up a little bit."
Fantastic. So then here comes the tool, up and in, not so bad except, ya know, it's a long metal tool up my ass. But once it is in he says, "Okay, act like your having a bowel movement." Not gonna happen. If I do that, you will most likely end up with a really dirty tool, hand and table. So instead I just try to clench it in and out, but not out so much. Fools him I guess. He slowly slides it out. Ok, deep breath. Done Finally. Ok, hopefully that camera will show him the fissure, Ill get some kind of medicine to fix it and be on my way.
Nope, turns out were just getting warmed up. Next, he sends the tool back up, has me do the whole act like your pooping thing, but it's more like do everything you can not to poop. Then it starts burning. Imagine if someone put one of the long fire starters up your ass and pulled the trigger. That's what I imagined because that is what it felt like. Awful. My eyes were wide so he starts counting down from 30 to let me know when it will be down. So my colon is being burned alive and I know that it will not stop for 15....14....13...oh my god how slow is he counting! I think I might rip the table in half with how hard I am squeezing it.
When it's finally over he says, alright good job it's over. Then he leaves and comes back with some paperwork. Ok, so you've just had a hemorrhoid treatment.
WHAT? "I have hemorrhoids?"
"No, but this will just help with the blah blah blah" To be honest I don't really remember why he gave me a hemorrhoid treatment for an anal fissure. But I remember asking and being somewhat ok with the answer. Or maybe I was just so relieved that I did not have hemorrhoids, cause eww.
"Did you see the fissure?"
"No but I knew what was going on down there."
Ok, whatever that means. I'm not very good at pressing people. And so just let it go. He goes over some of the medicine I will be getting and how to administer and what to expect the next few days. Then he leaves, but the nurse stays. She's hanging around, hanging around, ... got alligator blood.
Then the door opens and another nurse comes in. Yea, let's get as many people as we can in here to look at my ass. Turns out, she is there to help Nurse A spread my cheeks so they can shoot up my ass with numbing medicine.
I don't know this at the time of course. Normally I might like a story where i am naked in a room with two women, but not this one. Not when I am in the fetal position shaking and they are prodding at my naked butt like aliens trying to figure out the species.
But they start pulling my cheeks apart and then, she must have stuck me with the first one because it was like someone quick-jabbed a knife in me. "OIIIIIIIIYYYYYY" And that one I actually could not keep just in my head.
"Oh sorry, yeah this will hurt but will make you feel better."
Then it is knife-stab after knife stab, again and again.
Then I hear: "I dont know if this needle is big enough." "Yeah bump it up to the 37"
I try not to cry and succeed cause I am a big scary man. But even with the bigger needle it is still the same, turns out size doesn't matter when it comes to being stuck with a knife(needle).
Eventually she has to take a break and says, "this is why my hands are so unsteady, cause I am holding butt cheeks open all day long."
"Sorry," I mutter. And they laugh, then Nurse B says, "You're probably thinking, stop laughing I'm dying you bitches." And I found out that some people can read minds.
A few more stabs(holy crap how many shots does it take to numb an asshole?), and finally I am done.
FINALLY DONE.
The numbing is working, I can't feel anything. When I try to pee, at the end you normally are able to clench and shoot a little more out, none of that, I can't flex my butt, my lower abdomen, anything down there.
So that was it. Sooo bad. I will never see a doctor again. I think it made it worse having to hold the fetal position the entire time. Just so vulnerable and powerless like a little kid. I went home feeling violated. I've got a follow up in a few weeks but I don't know. Don't really feel like getting voluntarily violated.